Random Thoughts On Self-Awareness

(These thoughts are not entirely my own. I did think of them, and from that it's obvious that they are my thoughts. But the basis for these thoughts comes from a character in a book I'm trying to write. I just thought it would make for some interesting reading. Enjoy.)

I don’t think I’m a very religious man, by conventional terms. No… You know what? Never mind that. I am a very religious man. I always have been. Even though I don’t prescribe to a certain set of beliefs… Wrong again… I do have certain beliefs that are at the very core of me. Beliefs that are essentially inseparable from who I am. And these core beliefs govern my every action; my every thought, even. For what is action but thought propelled by thought? And what is thought but anticipation of the outcome of an action? Of course not every thought can be said to have a resulting action. Some thoughts are just thoughts. But every thought has the potential to become an action, thus becoming a kinetic energy. A mini-lesson in Elementary Physics, if you will. Certain expectations can be made of the resulting effects of our decision-making, based on our knowledge of similar past decisions. This is a learning process ingrained in, no, entrusted to us at birth. We make a decision. We see the result. We make a different decision. We see a different result. It’s almost as if God were giving us a little teaser into the future. What a precious gift! But who among us has ever thought such thoughts? It’s only been since my awakening that I even entertain such thoughts as this. I find them new and fascinating. I take joy in the fact that I am somehow intrigued by the menial, often overlooked thoughts that we all have every day. If only we could all have such an awakening. Except for the killing and the memory loss and the never-having-had-a-life-to-call-my-own parts, of course. I guess we all have our own little story. I just hope everyone else's is easier to tell. Nevertheless, we have all participated in more than our share of evil, whether willingly, unwillingly, or even unknowingly. None of us is perfect. None of us ever can be. None of us is right in our self…

Self… That’s another one of those things I’ve recently become terribly aware of. In fact, I can’t escape from this awareness. It chases me down tirelessly, like a Bloodhound on the scent of a murderer. Such a fitting analogy makes me laugh at myself a little… Is this a mild schizophrenia, or simply gross humor? It is this same self-awareness is also responsible for the guilt I constantly feel. Guilt is a feeling, sometimes a thought. But it is one that requires action nonetheless. From this requirement stem a few options, only one of which I can choose. Of these options, the one I choose should ultimately reflect my religious beliefs and/or values. And since these same values are the blueprint for my decision-making life, the unwavering moral code I live by, one could suggest that the decision has already been made, even before the former action that required a decision ever took place. Basically, my past directs my future. It’s a vicious cycle of perpetual tail-chasing, hoping that someday, somehow the head can look back at the tail and laugh at where it has been. The paradox of the matter is simply that the head could never turn to look at the tail because the tail is always outrunning head. Even though the head is the one with the decision-making power, it is constantly at the whim of the tail, in a relentless battle of stubborn will and blind ambition versus the faithful follower of cause and effect.

The point I’m trying to make is, simply, in order to break free from the past and the evils that beset us, we must first open our eyes to the very same thing we’re running from. Learn from the past. Take everything you can get from it, to be used to your advantage at an appropriate time. Learn all you can about all you are, and then completely turn your back to it. The momentum of your past should be an effective enough instrument for its own self-destruction. To defeat your enemy, you must know your enemy. To know your enemy, you must know yourself. Let the very weapons that the enemy fashioned against you be used to his own destruction. In this way, the apprentice becomes the master in order to defeat the master, to become his own master. I’m not advocating any sort of self-mutilation or suicidal behavior. In fact, that would be completely off target from what I’m really trying to say… Let nothing surprise you but the lack of surprise… But who am I to talk? I’m only talking to myself, after all.

(As I mentioned before, these are character thoughts, not necessarily my own. The thought process is my own, but the thoughts themselves are coming from the mind of a fictional character. One with a very questionable moral history, filled with violence and death. Ultimately it's the same story we all tell. It's just fabricated in such a way as to be captivating, and hopefully, inspiring in the end. God bless.).